Does anybody know exactly how many different sexual positions there are?

Sexual Innovation by Stick Figures

Sure, there are the standard ones like the missionary position, the side-by-side, and the spoon. I spent some time researching and managed to find the leapfrog, the lap dance, and the Dow Jones.

OK, I made that last one up but I bet it did conjure up an image. There’s the famous book, the Kama Sutra, which illustrates sixty-four different positions. But that thing’s dated, and I’m pretty sure that since it was compiled in the second century, a couple of new positions have popped up.

It would be great if there was something like a general clearing center, kind of like a patent office, where you could send a brief description, drawing and/or photo of your novel position so it could be categorized, labeled, numbered and filed for all posterity.

Or maybe you should be able to do a “Star Registry” type of thing. You’ve heard the ads: For a nominal fee, you can name a star for someone and get a special certificate and photo to give as a gift. Just think what it would be like if you could do that with your own unique position? Now that’s a Valentines’ gift!

Maybe there’s a Kama Sutra, Part Two that I’ve overlooked, or some kind of Pam Anderson pop-up book, or three hundred and sixty five positions for 2009 calendar?

If you know how many sexual positions exist and where to find them, please let me know because I’ve been married for quite some time and could use some new ideas—even though they’d have to work for someone with bad knees and an old shoulder injury.