I love irony. I love it.I love it the same way I love the idea thatyour feet can smell and your nose can run. You see my point? It’s great.

So, yesterday I was skimming through one of those trashy magazines that you so often find in the waiting rooms of doctors offices, except I was at home and I happened upon an issue on my coffee table, strategically (or not) left out by my wife. It was open to a page claiming celebrities are just like “us,” whoever “us” is… Now, allegedly, this publication thinks that Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio are just like me, but I can assure you—they most certainly are not. I considered this, and then I realized something astounding. Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio together on the same page is interesting. Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio on the same page, being compared to me is ironic.

Here’s why:

Aside from the fact that both of these gentlemen are highly esteemed, well respected (well, semi-well respected… perhaps 100% respected pre-couch surfing incident) actors, I recognized that they each also have something else in common. No, it’s not that they’re both millionaires. Is it just me, or do you also feel like every other movie either of these guys do has a sex scene in it? Not just a sex scene, but a sex scene involving themselves. Level with me on this one—am I wrong? Vanilla Sky… Titanic… Jerry Maguire… The Departed… Eyes Wide Shut… The Beach… I mean, come on, need I name more? So, I’m going to make an assumption, and wildly propose that these dudes get laid regularly, both fictitiously and in real life! …Well, pre-couch surfing incident… Anyway, they have a lot of sex. My point? To my knowledge, neither of these A-list contenders have, or have had, or have been treated for erectile dysfunction. So… I mean, yeah, I may be dashingly handsome, have a beautiful wife, play with my kids, eat bagels, and wear baseball caps, too, but… I have overcome; I have conquered!

Tom and Leo ain’t got nothin’ on me. Albeit, I do appreciate the suggestion!