When you look down, if you’re too fat to see your “stuff” you’re probably not able to use your “stuff” any way. Those are the words of a very cold and vicious person…my doctor. I’m at his office, stark naked and we’re doing the yearly exam thing when he mentions that he’s concerned about my weight. What? I’m exactly the same pants size that I’ve been for years! Alright, maybe my pants have moved down a couple of inches to make room for a very cute, almost beer gut, but that shouldn’t raise any kind of red flags, right? Come on, everybody’s gained a bit of “stress weight” due to the recession.

I pointed out to the good doctor that when things get tough, the tough get going…to Subway, KFC, Mickey D’s. Not at all amused, my doctor decided to scare the calories out of me. He pointed out, with zero warmth or compassion that obesity and erectile dysfunction go hand in hand and that I was on my way to a lifetime of limpness. Being a sweet and loving physician with a tremendous bedside manner he went on to explain that several of his patients who weren’t much fatter than me had trouble getting and maintaining an erection even with the help of the popular erection pills on the market. I wondered how many of his patients discussed their erections with him and made a note to myself to never ever discuss mine.

I quickly dressed and tried to get out of his office by promising him that I’d start dieting and exercising so I could live a long and healthy and reasonably erect life. But before I could make it out of his exam room he added, “And you should see what you look like naked, from behind. If I was your wife I’d pray for cataracts.” At that moment I wondered if I could have his license revoked. But he had made his point. The very next day I started eating less, exercising and having sex with my wife a bit more often. However it’s going to be quite some time until I let her see me naked … from behind.

I have a personal list of things I would never order online. I would never order a hairpiece, blood plasma, a Russian bride, teeth, any kind of prosthetic device, a rodent, a used mattress, anything Wiccan, skeletons, shrunken heads, serial killer art, anything made from an animals private parts, a tank, uranium, animal urine, a casket, most implants and now… anything that will make me hard down below.

Online Pharmacies Scare Me...

The reason? Just read an article about how the BBC did an investigation and found that some erectile dysfunction medications sold on the internet contained things like printer ink and road paint to give them their pretty color!

Terrific. You go to the internet to buy pills to help get you aroused and instead your little buddy is still soft but you’re nauseous and peeing blue like a Smurf.

There are so many medications sold online that are illegal and counterfeit that when you put them in your mouth and swallow you can’t be quite sure exactly what’s going to happen. You could get harder or bigger or stronger or vomit or pass out or bleed from your ears or end up wandering naked and crying down your street.

I guess the Russian roulette element of not knowing for sure what you’re taking could be exciting for some people. But for me, I like to know that my vitamin pill is actually filled with vitamins, my Tylenol is actually going to get rid of my headache and that any type of treatment for problems down below is prescribed by a doctor. Preferably one who has a real medical license hanging on his wall … and not one that he was able to order online!