I know you’re probably thinking how could that be true, your mouth and your private parts are pretty far from each other? But it appears to be true. You stop taking care of your mouth and it may end up affecting more than just your ability to get a date.

The article suggested that a bacteria found in the mouth, that has also been connected to coronary heart disease, could also cause limpness “down below.” Makes sense because it’s pretty well known that heart disease is one of the causes of E.D. But it is a little odd to think that visiting the dentist could help you maintain a healthy and firm erection.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking any chances. I just scheduled a checkup; I bought a brand new, big time electric toothbrush. I started gargling regularly, purchased a gum stimulator and I now travel with pack of 40 Soft-Picks that I keep in my car because they’ve been shown to be and I quote, “as effective as string floss in removing interdental plaque and reducing gingivitis.”

As you can see I’m taking this gum-penis connection thing seriously. I’m also trying to convince my wife that having more frequent sex will in some way keep my gums healthy… or at least give her an opportunity to see my new and improved, beautiful smile much more often.

Burundi Herb Products ... Beware

Kenny told me sex with his wife was becoming boring and predictable and he wanted to do something to kick it up a notch. And he bragged to me that he ordered this product that claimed to be an all-natural extract that guaranteed to instantly increase his libido and enable him to last for hours during sex.

So after about seven weeks the package for his package arrived, wrapped in stained brown craft paper that smelled a bit like road kill and cheese. And when he opened it what did he find? There, rolled up in newspaper, were 30 or so partially crushed pills from the African nation of Burundi that cost him $59.95.

By the way, we knew they were from Burundi because the newspaper was the Burundi Tribune and there were some great deals on tapioca and hides. The pills looked like they were ground up from some kind of animal hooves, which I guess would somehow support the products all-natural claim.

What I do know is that these pills definitely were not made in a sterile lab. I could only imagine them being pasted together by some Tutsi or Hutu villager who answered an ad that said “earn extra money in your spare time, right in your own hut.” But that didn’t stop Kenny…oh no. He took two pills and experienced almost every side effect known to man, none of which, ironically, had anything to do with intimacy.

Let’s just say he didn’t take the remainder of his pills. And I have to point out that if those pills really did work as well as advertised…don’t you think people would be flocking to Burundi like Panama City during spring break?

I’m just saying…

Hard for Duchovny to keep closed...

So I started obsessing about sex rehab. What makes someone check in and where do you even find one? Do you check in because you’re not having hardly any sex or because you’re having way too much sex? And go ahead; try telling me I’m having too much sex…that would make for an interesting intervention with the parents.

And once you’re in sex rehab, do they have sessions that deal with masturbation and phone sex and cyber sex and pornography? Do they get you aroused and then zap you with a cattle prod to teach you to keep your “shtumper” in check? Is sex rehab part of a more conventional rehab with alcohol and drug abusers or is sex rehab just purely for sex addicts?

And if that’s the case and someone falls off the wagon couldn’t that have a domino effect and lead to a full blown orgy? And how exactly did David choose the sex rehab he checked into? Do sex rehabs advertise in magazines like Playboy, Maxim, FHM, Hustler and Smooth? (Yes, there is actually a men’s magazine called Smooth.)

If you run into David Duchovny, could you please ask him what the hell sex rehab is and what they do there? I can’t because I promised I would respect his privacy.