The joys of fatherhood.

Thanks to fatherhood, (but somehow this is much to my kids’ embarrassment) I am in the know of the hottest names and trends in pop culture. To name a few, I am well versed with Lady Gaga, “bling bling,” and liking it, therefore putting a ring on it. Well, folks, here’s a story where the tables were turned… slightly: I left my laptop open a few days ago while I wandered away from the Twitter world to make myself a sandwich for lunch. In my absence, my son decided it was high time for him to check his e-mail…or MySpace…or whatever it is the kids are crazy about on the internet these days. In my blissful, sandwich-making mode, I was interrupted by a crude shout from the other room: “EEEEEWWWW, DAAAAD.” You’d swear he’d just walked-in on my wife and I having sex, but considering the circumstances of the situation, that was definitely not the issue at hand. I abruptly put away the mustard and mayo and walked back into my office. Here’s where things went awry (hahah…used rye bread on my sandwich, but never mind that…)— my son was reading my Tweets. I can’t even begin to explain how bizarre that is to say (since it sounds disgusting if you don’t know the lexicon of Twitter) and actually have happen.

Needless to say, the look on his sweet, young face was that of mortification. But, to my surprise, instead of addressing the content of my Tweets, he said: “I can’t believe you have a Twitter!” Again, a very strange thing to hear your son say, and for those of you who are not savvy with what Twitter is, it’s a micro means of blogging, where you can update thoughts or things you are doing on a minute-by-minute basis…so now you understand.

…You can go ahead and retract the thought you had about two seconds ago when you assumed that my family is dysfunctional…it’s not, thank you. The only dysfunctional thing about it was of my personal dysfunction, and that was solved a while ago thanks to Boston Medical Group. But seriously, back to the soliloquy at hand—he said that and I said, “What do you know about Twitter?” (haha). Apparently all the kids have Twitter accounts these days! Here’s where the tables turned—we made a truce, him and I. And when you make a truce with your son for the first time, I’ll tell you—there’s no feeling like it. He promised he would not tell my wife about my Tweets, and I promised to never look at his. (There is absolutely no way to go about using the Twitter vernacular without all sorts of innuendos coming up, is there?)
I was embarrassed…he was embarrassed; we were embarrassed. So what’s my point? It’s socially acceptable to be shameless? Well, yes, this was the harsh evidence that proved to be the reality I came to after reading through various “Tweets” from Twitter users across the world. All I’m saying is that if my wife caught wind that I occasionally tweet stereotypical dude-man things (ie. See my Bio on Twitter), I’d be in the birdhouse.

Cuckolding Involves What?

A couple of months ago I wrote about how my wife and I were at dinner with friends and they brought up the concept of cuckolding. I explained that it apparently was some kind of fetish that involves a guy letting his female partner have “happy time” with another guy.

Somehow this is supposed to turn guy number one on! Now I know that’s not normal or healthy right? You’re supposed to make “happy time”, with the person you love, not let somebody else do it for you. And if you found out that the person you love got naked with someone else, you’d feel jealous, angry, repulsed and you’d never want to be with that person again, right?

Well that’s what I thought, until this guy at work that I’m marginally friendly with tells me that he lets his wife date and it’s a huge turn-on for him. What? Why would he tell me this? Was I being recruited as a possible suitor? I politely ended our conversation by choking slightly on my ham and cheese panini and left the lounge to go back to my desk.

I then looked up cuckolding on my computer…and guess what…there are cuckold sites, cuckold blogs even whole darn, cuckold communities! It seems there is no lack of men who like to be humiliated by their partners. Guys who like to see their wives and girlfriends get pleasure from someone else, pleasure maybe they can’t give them. They seem to get aroused by experiencing the turn-on of feeling degraded and humiliated. I don’t know about you but I get turned on by making love to my wife when I’m not feeling degraded or humiliated.

I can’t even begin to imagine my wife with someone else. I couldn’t handle it. What goes on in the mind of a cuckolded husband? How do they handle jealousy and the feeling of betrayal? Do they stay in that kind of relationship forever?

I just read about Ron Weinstein, the cuckolded husband of Sheryl Weinstein who claims to have been Ponzi scammer Bernie Madoff’s mistress. She’s written a book about her affair called Madoff’s Other Secret. In it she even reveals that Madoff has a small stimulus package. If I were Ron Weinstein the marriage would be kaput, done, over… but According to a Daily Beast interview, Mr. Weinstein actually said he wasn’t too “fussed” about his wife’s affair and they’re still together.

He would appear to be the perfect example of a willing and supportive, cuckolded husband…or is he? Let’s just wait and see how cuckolded Mr. Weinstein is after he gets his hands on half of his wife’s book money.

Chick Flick

As a married man, I find myself rather distant from all the little nuisances that come with dating. I’m not saying I’m completely exempt from all hassling matters just because I’m married… however, once married, you make compromises and form agreements that eliminate irritating scenarios a la the following:

(8) “Do you think I’m fat?/Do I look fat?” – I hate when women ask this. They either a) already know the answer, or b) are trying to Jedi-mind-trick you into saying something stupid. I hate this question. This is like me asking her, “hey, is my penis big?” What are they supposed to say? …Exactly.

(7) The uncanny discussion of bowel movements – This is only funny when men say it amongst other men. Thinking about girls and bowel movements is disturbing and troubling. I like to believe that I live in a world where girls don’t fart… it just doesn’t happen.

(6) She owns a truck — Alright. This isn’t exactly the worst-case scenario that can occur. However, when said truck is a pickup truck… this changes everything. I don’t want her to be first in line to offer help on moving day.

(5) Hock a loogie – I don’t find this to be impressive or attractive in a woman. This is rarely acceptable when men do this—you can see why I may be so disgruntled by a lady-loogie.

(4) Do not recommend that I read the new Oprah’s book club book – If she wants to recommend it, I’d prefer if she left the word “Oprah” out if it. Ignorance is bliss.

(3) Tricking unsuspecting men into seeing chick flicks – Perhaps this one is our fault. We should probably be more aware of the coming attractions that the ladies will be attending relatively soon— merely in avoidance of being victim to such an ambush. How was I supposed to know that something with a title like The Ugly Truth would turn out to be heartwarming? I could not foresee such a trap.

(2) When they say something, but really mean something else – this is simply confusing, frustrating, and uncalled for. If she doesn’t want to eat at a particular restaurant, but relays that message through the words, “I can’t wait to eat there… I wonder if they have fettuccine?” …while she knows very well that it is a barbeque pit, is simply passive aggressive. I detest such statements.

(1) Mixing up team names amongst sports – I admit—it’s a petty complaint, but if I’m not calling “Nordstrom,” “Ross,” then she shouldn’t be calling “The Saints,” “the Celtics.”

A Happy Wife (Who Knows Stuff)

Their sexual energy and secret skills are so potent, they don’t even have to be gorgeous themselves. Take Heather Mills. No special beauty, and one-legged at that. But after one beguiling appearance at a charity function, Ms. Mills brought the most eligible Beatle bachelor to his knees.  Soon after, he married her … without a prenup!

Then there’s Mrs. Bruce Springsteen. Patty Scialfa looks like most of the Jersey girls on the Sopranos but she must know stuff. She got The Boss to marry her and put her in his band! Yup, Patty knows stuff.

So does Luciana Barroso, an ex-bartender who poured Bourne action hero Matt Damon a drink. One day the single mom and he were snapped by the paparazzi as Damon and “unknown friend” and the next they’re married.

Rob Lowe married his makeup artist wife Sheryl. I mean come on, he’s Rob Lowe for crying out loud! He could get any woman … and for a while I think he did. What does Sheryl know that other women don’t? Write a book Sheryl. Share your secrets with my wife!

Then there’s former nanny and model Elin Nordegern “Mrs. Tiger” Woods? Sure she’s amazing looking but he’s TIGER WOODS.

But few stories can trump Mary Donaldson’s. And who is Mary Donaldson? She’s a pleasant enough looking woman who met some dude in a Sydney bar and got him to marry her. Turns out the guy was royalty and she’s now Her Royal Highness Princess of Denmark. Can you imagine the kinda stuff you need to be able to do to a guy to get him to give you a ring…and a crown?

I’ve been married to the same woman for almost 15 years and the other night while we were making love, she tried something totally new. She did this thing…kind of a new position, her hands were … well let’s just say it felt good but … why now?

I'm still not even sure what happened.

So what did I do? I’ll tell you what I did. I got distracted. I started thinking, where did she learn that and when? Was it something she always wanted to try but kept forgetting? Was it something she saw recently in a movie and if so… what movie and where was I?

Or was it something she used to do with Leonard, the loser she dated before me and now she’s started fantasizing about him so she’s doing “it” to me! Or maybe a girlfriend of hers told her about it. Maybe it was Susan the redhead with the big, fake cupcakes. She looks like the type who would do it to her husband, and her husband Bob looks like he would like having it done to him.

Not that I didn’t like it, I just wasn’t expecting it. Not from my wife anyway. We have a pattern, an order to our romantic get-togethers that’s been established over a period of time. I think lots of couples do. It’s comfortable and relaxed and reliable… and one partner shouldn’t just decide to throw something new into the mix without consulting the other partner. I’d like to be prepared if  something new is going to happen during sex, especially when it’s with someone who hasn’t done anything new to me since the early part of Clinton’s first term.

Maybe we could discuss it beforehand, in detail. Its origins, how it will be performed, what the expected response should be. That’s not a lot to ask, right?

Let’s forget about the sex part for a minute – I know, it’s not easy for me either — and think about the mega marriage strain caused by simply deciding who takes out the freakin garbage every Thursday night.  (Or who cleans the bathroom, or who does the dishes, or who takes the boy to Tae Kwon Do, or how many Christmas cards to send, or who does the whites… I’m getting stressed just thinking about it!)

My room. (If my wife wasn't around.)

I mean … If you’ve got the division of labor all figured out at your house, then you’re a better man than I am.  It seems like the missus and I can never get things exactly right when it comes to chores and responsibilities.  I’m always looking for help on the home front, and I found a helpful tip today in this article:

The Key to Successful Marriage? Say ‘Thank You.’

Here’s the advice in in a nutshell: “A successful relationship depends not just on how partners divvy up the household chores, but also on how they express gratitude.  A new study sheds light on why one partner often gets stuck with certain household chores while the other is oblivious to the piled-up laundry or overflowing garbage. The trick to harmony could be a simple “thank you,” the research indicates.

Come to think of it, I’m definitely quick to show my wife gratitude for the big things like, say, surprise morning fellatio…  But I don’t thank her nearly enough for doing the little things — like bringing home some good takeout or replacing my toothbrush before it falls apart.  Then again, she hasn’t thanked my lately for my work for Boston Medical Group, so I guess we’re even.