Lots of people have been complaining for a long time about how much they dislike Twitter, about how inane it is that anyone would think that what they ate for breakfast or the fact that they just cut their toenails was important and must know info for someone else.  I was not one of those people.

I found it amusing that weather boob Al Roker got flak for taking a picture of the jury he was serving on, in the jury room and posting it on his Twitter page. I was happy to find out that Martha Stewart’s neighbors down the street, the Steinhart’s just had a baby camel born at their place. Twitter informed me that Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t wear nail polish, Ryan Seacrest is planning a bachelor party for a friend and Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan feels that,“The energy you’re projecting internally is the message you’re sending to your dog.”

When porn star and now legitimate actress Sahsa Gray exclaimed on her Twitter page, “Whoa! Too much to handle,” I was dying to know what or who she was talking about. I would mindlessly and happily check out the tweets of politicians and writers along with those of Tony Hawk, John Cleese, Sean Diddy Combs and yes, even Tony Danza. I’d check almost daily to find out how they were doing and just to make sure they were okay.

Then it happened.

At 1:43 yesterday, I somehow wandered onto the tweet of Kirstie Alley and from that moment on I will never view Twitter quite the same way. This is what I read:

“Although no one has asked, I like this new name for a vagina…A POLLY WOG..yes I tried that term out today and got good feed back…YOU?”

That was one Twitter too many for me. It conjured up images that should have been left unconjured. Why did she need to try out that term?  And who gave her positive feedback anyway? I now only view the tweets of family, friends, and my followers — staying close to home and no longer exploring to find out what, say, David Hasselhoff or Newt Gingrich are doing for fear that I will be disappointed or worse, disgusted.

Thanks for ruining Twitter for me Kirstie Alley. Thanks!

Image: Absent Without Leave Blog

How Does Pat Morita Figure Into All This?

I’m not talking about an odd, fetish sort of thing …  like asking for a good hearty beating with a mackerel by someone completely wrapped in tinfoil.  No, I’m talking about something that I saw that got me aroused but shouldn’t have — or at least I never anticipated that it would.  Usually, it’s the sight of a bit more leg than usual on someone I find attractive or even mildly attractive.

Today … I got turned on by a Bonsai tree!

That’s right, one of those expensive miniature Japanese trees that are grown in containers and that dry out real easily and die.  So how did a miniature tree get me stimulated?  Here’s the only way I could figure it out. I saw this diminutive woody plant and it reminded me of “The Karate Kid”, staring Pat Morita as Mr. Miyagi. But do you remember who else was in that movie? Elisabeth Shue.  She was the cute girl next door and Ralph Macchio’s love interest.

Here’s where it gets interesting…  It takes me back to college, my freshman year and my girlfriend who happened to look just like Elisabeth Shue. We always ate at this little Japanese place in LA that was usually a precursor to nights of…  Well, I guess you know what I am getting at. So that stunted little tree on a coworker’s desk got me momentarily hot and bothered.

What turned you on today?  Leave a comment and let me know.

Hard for Duchovny to keep closed...

So I started obsessing about sex rehab. What makes someone check in and where do you even find one? Do you check in because you’re not having hardly any sex or because you’re having way too much sex? And go ahead; try telling me I’m having too much sex…that would make for an interesting intervention with the parents.

And once you’re in sex rehab, do they have sessions that deal with masturbation and phone sex and cyber sex and pornography? Do they get you aroused and then zap you with a cattle prod to teach you to keep your “shtumper” in check? Is sex rehab part of a more conventional rehab with alcohol and drug abusers or is sex rehab just purely for sex addicts?

And if that’s the case and someone falls off the wagon couldn’t that have a domino effect and lead to a full blown orgy? And how exactly did David choose the sex rehab he checked into? Do sex rehabs advertise in magazines like Playboy, Maxim, FHM, Hustler and Smooth? (Yes, there is actually a men’s magazine called Smooth.)

If you run into David Duchovny, could you please ask him what the hell sex rehab is and what they do there? I can’t because I promised I would respect his privacy.

11% More Attractive Than Blue

I’m no scientist, but I could have told you years ago that there’s something about a women in red.

Say you’re at a party or out at the bar with some buddies — who do you notice immediately?  That’s right.  The woman in the red dress.  She might not be as attractive as the conservatively-dressed librarian you notice later, but that’s beside the point.

Turns out, scientists have recently discovered that wearing red boosts attraction.

According to this article (with a nice pic of Elizabeth Hurley) I just read, “The scientists told study volunteers they had $100.  The volunteers were then shown a picture of their “date”, and then asked how much of that money they were prepared to spend.

On average, a picture of a woman wearing red meant a more expensive night out and an overall higher rating of attractiveness.”

That ain’t exactly rocket science. As a Boston Medical Group spokesman, I’m proud to have figured that one out on my own!

I’m thinking the wife and I might do our own study tonight.  The one where she role-plays a librarian in a red suit.  I think the scientific conclusions we reach might be pretty earth-shattering!

I’ve been married to the same woman for almost 15 years and the other night while we were making love, she tried something totally new. She did this thing…kind of a new position, her hands were … well let’s just say it felt good but … why now?

I'm still not even sure what happened.

So what did I do? I’ll tell you what I did. I got distracted. I started thinking, where did she learn that and when? Was it something she always wanted to try but kept forgetting? Was it something she saw recently in a movie and if so… what movie and where was I?

Or was it something she used to do with Leonard, the loser she dated before me and now she’s started fantasizing about him so she’s doing “it” to me! Or maybe a girlfriend of hers told her about it. Maybe it was Susan the redhead with the big, fake cupcakes. She looks like the type who would do it to her husband, and her husband Bob looks like he would like having it done to him.

Not that I didn’t like it, I just wasn’t expecting it. Not from my wife anyway. We have a pattern, an order to our romantic get-togethers that’s been established over a period of time. I think lots of couples do. It’s comfortable and relaxed and reliable… and one partner shouldn’t just decide to throw something new into the mix without consulting the other partner. I’d like to be prepared if  something new is going to happen during sex, especially when it’s with someone who hasn’t done anything new to me since the early part of Clinton’s first term.

Maybe we could discuss it beforehand, in detail. Its origins, how it will be performed, what the expected response should be. That’s not a lot to ask, right?

Not my wife... (But not bad)

Should it last porn movie length — which seems like around 20-25 minutes with anywhere from five to twenty different positions … costumes, accessories and guests?  Or should it be closer to the three minute mark that my neighbors the Carlsons usually hit, judging from the short burst of amorous yelping we’re subjected to because their bedroom sits just across the driveway from ours?

So is there a correct time, an absolutely perfect length of time that sex should last?  Where everyone involved ends up happy and satisfied?  And how do you account for leg cramps, important text messages and pet invasions, or even the prevalence of ADD in society today which can cause participants to be easily distracted and lose interest in the sex act if not properly medicated?

Really … what is that right amount of time?

I know my wife likes sex a lot, but probably just a little bit less than me, so she’s generally happy with a little bit of foreplay, a couple minutes of hearty sex, quick orgasm, and then C.S.I. Miami on Tivo. Total running time for her?  I’m estimating just under ten minutes and she’s a happy camper. For me, I like to go a little longer but at about the ten minute mark I can kinda tell she’s already thinking about David Caruso…So that distracts me a bit, but just a bit, and I persevere for another two or three minutes just to make a point.

So let’s see, if you total that up…my time would be around thirteen minutes, which I guess I’m fine with unless of course I find out that everyone else is going a whole lot longer than me and that’s the norm.

What about you?

Risky in Cancun...

Why am I telling you this?  I just got through reading Cracked Magazine on The 10 Worst Places to Get Caught Having Sex.

They wrote about a bunch of the usual suspects — like work, school, church, etc…  They also highlighted some more bizarre spots too — amour at Arby’s anyone?  Ever done it on top of a construction crane?  On a cop car?  Evidently some folks have!

As for me, I’m thinking maybe it’s time for the wife and I to do something crazy.   Right now I’m thinking we’ll just keep it simple and get to know “the great outdoors” a little more intimately.  Any suggestions?

Let’s forget about the sex part for a minute – I know, it’s not easy for me either — and think about the mega marriage strain caused by simply deciding who takes out the freakin garbage every Thursday night.  (Or who cleans the bathroom, or who does the dishes, or who takes the boy to Tae Kwon Do, or how many Christmas cards to send, or who does the whites… I’m getting stressed just thinking about it!)

My room. (If my wife wasn't around.)

I mean … If you’ve got the division of labor all figured out at your house, then you’re a better man than I am.  It seems like the missus and I can never get things exactly right when it comes to chores and responsibilities.  I’m always looking for help on the home front, and I found a helpful tip today in this article:

The Key to Successful Marriage? Say ‘Thank You.’

Here’s the advice in in a nutshell: “A successful relationship depends not just on how partners divvy up the household chores, but also on how they express gratitude.  A new study sheds light on why one partner often gets stuck with certain household chores while the other is oblivious to the piled-up laundry or overflowing garbage. The trick to harmony could be a simple “thank you,” the research indicates.

Come to think of it, I’m definitely quick to show my wife gratitude for the big things like, say, surprise morning fellatio…  But I don’t thank her nearly enough for doing the little things — like bringing home some good takeout or replacing my toothbrush before it falls apart.  Then again, she hasn’t thanked my lately for my work for Boston Medical Group, so I guess we’re even.