This is something I’ve spoken of before. The rapid technological advancement of our day is perpetual. Wanna fake a phone call to get out of an awkward situation?…There’s an iPhone app for that. Wanna listen to the radio anywhere, anytime? There’s an app for that. Wanna make fart noises with different pitches and variations? You bet there’s an app for that! So, I can’t say I was completely taken by surprise when I read about an app that tells you how many calories you burn while having sex. Yeah. No, you read correctly. I’ll start from the beginning…
It was an idle Tuesday afternoon. There I sat: laptop open, Google agape. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. But it wasn’t the doorbell, it was my iPhone, pretending to be a doorbell, but really it was just a reminder to do that thing I needed to do. So I did it. A short while later, I was back to Google. I Googled myself. Nothing new came up…I Googled some sport stats…Googled the wife…Googled the gardener. Virtually, I mean. Not physically, of course. Then I paid a visit to Foxnews.com. Like I said—normal Tuesday.
But it wasn’t. That’s when it happened. A new piece of knowledge—a new piece of technology that could potentially forever eliminate the excuse, “not tonight, I’m tired.” Headliner: New Bedometer iPhone App Counts the Carlories You Shed Having Sex. I double-clicked. I reloaded. And then, as if a newer, more useful revolutionary app might present itself, I held my breath. Now, you ask: why would it make that excuse go away, Andrew? Well, I’ll tell you: women like to count calories in two variations—(a) calorie intake and (b) calories burned. Enough said.
The article called the app “fun,” “functional.” I’m fun… I’m functional. Suddenly it wasn’t just a Tuesday afternoon anymore— it was a seemingly brighter Tuesday afternoon. It was the day that my proclaimed “unwarranted meanderings” to my wife about my wanting to get busy all day is not just from me being a “dude,” but it’s from me being a reasonable, health-conscious fellow. Because I have proof now… because now I can say, “yeah, there’s an app for that…”
Oh— did I mention that a woman in London invented this revolutionary tool? Completely gives new meaning to “the British are coming.”