The Awkward Discussion

When I was a kid, my dad decided to have the sex talk with me at a crowded steak and egg place on a Sunday morning. Well he didn’t exactly decide…my mom made him do it. She’d been bugging him for years to talk to me about the birds and bees but he’d been putting it off because he wasn’t the type of guy to talk about sex with his son or anybody! My dad was not communicative at all.

He’d come home from work, read the paper, watch some T.V. and go to bed. If he took me to a ballgame he’d buy me a hotdog, cheer on the home team, ask me if I was having a good time and maybe buy some peanuts although they made him choke. The man was not a talker. So the thought of having the sex talk with me must have been tortuous for him. So there we were, over omelets and biscuits with gravy when he looked at me and said, “Don’t get a girl pregnant.” I looked up from my eggs and said, “Okay”, and that was it. It was over. We’d had the talk!

Now it was my turn. My son was getting older and my wife was insistent that it was time to discuss sex AND drugs with the boy. I was pretty sure that junior had many opportunities to find out anything he needed to know about sex from his friends and the internet so I had to figure out what message I needed to send him. He’d also mentioned to me that one of his friends was caught with some “pot” but he assured me that he’d never tried any. Well I was determined to have a better talk with my son than the succinct one my dad had with me but what exactly should I say that would influence an impressionable young man.

I asked some friends what they told their kids and found out that most avoided the discussion completely or simply asked their kids to tell them what they knew and left it at that. So I was on my own. I searched the internet for info and then I hit on the idea of a combo sex/drug talk. I took my son out for breakfast (to honor my dad) and asked him if he wanted to talk about what men and women do behind closed doors, or in a car or sometimes in a …he turned bright red and immediately shushed me. So I figured I’d better make it quick. I told him that I saw a study that said men who smoke pot daily had a hard time reaching orgasm. He choked on his hash browns and shushed me again. I told him another study said some smokers experience premature ejaculation and I blurted out that he was too young to be a dad and that condoms don’t always work! He looked at me like he was going to pass out. So I guess that was it. I had the talk with my son and it covered both sex and drugs in a weird and disjointed way. Maybe I had scared him a bit about the evils of marijuana and just possibly our little talk would make him think twice before he got naked with a girl.

The one thing I didn’t mention to my little man was that the report on sex and pot smoking I’d quoted from also said that men who got high generally had more sexual partners than guys who didn’t. I didn’t feel that part of the research was something he needed to know…EVER!

I pointed out to the good doctor that when things get tough, the tough get going…to Subway, KFC, Mickey D’s. Not at all amused, my doctor decided to scare the calories out of me. He pointed out, with zero warmth or compassion that obesity and erectile dysfunction go hand in hand and that I was on my way to a lifetime of limpness. Being a sweet and loving physician with a tremendous bedside manner he went on to explain that several of his patients who weren’t much fatter than me had trouble getting and maintaining an erection even with the help of the popular erection pills on the market. I wondered how many of his patients discussed their erections with him and made a note to myself to never ever discuss mine.

I quickly dressed and tried to get out of his office by promising him that I’d start dieting and exercising so I could live a long and healthy and reasonably erect life. But before I could make it out of his exam room he added, “And you should see what you look like naked, from behind. If I was your wife I’d pray for cataracts.” At that moment I wondered if I could have his license revoked. But he had made his point. The very next day I started eating less, exercising and having sex with my wife a bit more often. However it’s going to be quite some time until I let her see me naked … from behind.

I don’t know your phrase, but usually it’s something you can say in front of other people, the kids or even just to each other that conveys affection and a willingness to mate without being too crude or too overt. Well, last Saturday my wife let me know that both kids would be sleeping out for the night and she suggested that maybe we could go catch a movie and then, “hang out.” I immediately assumed that by “hanging out” she was suggesting…ensuring… that we were going to be naked together at some point later that evening because “let’s hang out” was our sex phrase.

So around 5:30 I made myself hygienically sound, took my wife to dinner, a movie and then back home where I waited in bed, locked and loaded. To my utter dismay, my wife crawled into bed, gave me a sisterly kiss on the cheek, informed me that she was exhausted…and went to sleep.

No way!

You don’t use our phrase without following through! I’m not sure women understand that even the slightest suggestion of intimacy…a look, a smile, THE PHRASE, starts the launch sequence in guys. I sulked for days because like most men, I’m not very communicative about my sexual wants and needs.

Finally, my wife got the hint and late Thursday afternoon we ended up “hanging out.” After we cuddled for a bit I asked her why the other day she suggested “hanging out” without following through and to my surprise she informed me that, to her, hanging out just meant… hanging out.

What? Didn’t she realize that was our code? Was she being coy? No, she swore that she was simply unaware that I had somehow designated that as our sex phrase and promised that in the future she’d be more discerning when she used it. Well at least now it was official. The next time my wife says, “Let’s hang out,” we’d definitely, positively end up having sex. Boy, I hope she remembers. Maybe I should send her an email.

10. Are They Experienced? … Is a cowgirl reversible? What’s there not to like about a woman who knows how things work?  I mean this in reference to the bedroom and to life.  The older ladies have earned their stripes as the wise ones.  They know everything.  By everything, I don’t just mean that they’re women so they [think] they know everything… I mean what I mean. Really. Think about it… they’re sharp.

9. Cougars Aren’t Too Tech Savvy … As a preliminary disclaimer, I would like to note that I do not mean this in a negative way.  Why would this be on my list if this was a negative thing? Negativity is for people named Nancy who spell it with an “ie” instead of a “y.”  This technological brain-malfunction is a plus for you, buddy.  How many girlfriends have you had that took the liberty of going through your text messages to see if Julia from the office sent you any texts between now and the last hour she checked?  If you’re with an older woman, chances are she’s not even sure how to get to the inbox on your phone, let alone how to send a text message. Alas, hoorah!

8 Patience is a Virtue … Actually, it’s a noun, but my lousy sense of humor and B-S aside, patience is a virtue.   Younger girls are impatient.  Seriously.  They can take forever applying lip gloss, causing you to be late for a movie, but heaven forbid you need to finish-up on the pot, the whole world comes to an end.  I feel as though an older woman would be far more understanding in pressing times like those.  Bowel movements happen; older women get this.

7. Cougars Have a Job or a Monthly Pension … It’s not common, but it’s also not rare to let one of those “give me those, buy me that, pay for me” girls slip between the cracks and surface into your life.  Now, I’m not a man of particularly high income, and I certainly never minded indulging the girl I was dating in a few little or big luxuries every now-and-then.  But lets be reasonable, here.  I will never put myself in the position to pay for someone’s cable bill ever again.  That’s why, I’ve realized, these older women are not only patient, experienced and beautiful creatures, but they’re also independent.  I like that.

6.  Cougars are Cookers … Going out gets old (… no pun intended).  Staying in and cooking can sometimes be just as fun (if not more fun) than dining out.  The only problem is that many girls I’ve dated don’t even own a cookbook.  The biggest victory in their kitchen conquest was either pancakes or instant mac and cheese.  I won’t lie; I love both of those things, however, imagine a woman with a recipe book who has the ability to make things with no additives, and the experience of various Thanksgiving dinners under her belt.  Now that’s what I call a seasoned veteran (…again, no pun intended).

5. Cougars Still Think Twitter Is Something Birds Do at Sundown … For the same reasons you don’t like your girlfriend going through your phone, you also don’t want her going through your computer.  To a cougar, the internet is a strange and unexplored world… a world that most prefer not to venture into in this lifetime.  I’m okay with that.  Have you ever Googled yourself?  I have.  Traces of my former sleazebag-self are accessible to everybody and the general public can (if they so choose) bask in the embarrassment of what I like to refer to as my “slutting-around MySpace” days.  Shameful.

4. Cougars Have Wheels … Now, I’m not saying that I’m the type of guy who’d like to have his girlfriend or wife drive him around all the time.  I don’t; in fact I hate it.  Girl drivers are frightening and plain bad.  That’s all I can say about that.  On the other hand, it’s always a plus when the older lady you’re seeing insists on driving her full-size minivan to the ballgame you’ve invited her to.  Her selling-point: “I can fit everything you want to bring into the back!”  What she really means is “I can fit all the crap you want to bring with you [that is completely unnecessary and embarrassing] into the back of my mom-mobile.”  I don’t mind this.  Once I thought minivans: lame.  Now I think: minivans: luxury.

3. Cougars Know What They Like … I think most men are in agreement when it comes to how annoying it is when your girlfriend doesn’t know what she wants.  She doesn’t know what she wants to eat, wear or do.  I’ve lost many hours of my life going back and forth to the “where-should-we-eat, well-you-pick, no-you-pick” bicker.  Cougars eliminate this problem.  They’ve lived enough of life to know what they like to eat, where they like to eat, what they want to wear, and what they like to go.  This is great news.

2. A Cougar Won’t Drag You to See ‘Twilight’ – If I need to explain the glory of this point further, then forget everything you’ve read thus far—you deserve to be with a younger woman.

1. Cougars Cop The Senior Citizen Discount Y’All! … I am not judgmental, and for some, the older: the better.  Therefore, I felt the need to see light from the other side of the spectrum.  So, seniors… they get movie ticket discounts, restaurant discounts, and other various kinds of discounts that I’m not even aware of because, well, I’m not there yet.  But the fact of the matter is: everybody likes a discount.  Rock on!

Dalmatians; Surprisingly Kinky

But that wasn’t the worst part of house-sitting. My wife and I felt like we were on vacation staying at my friend’s house so around 11:30 we got frisky. We slipped into my buddy’s king size bed and started to … nothing!

The dog sat there looking at us, and I couldn’t perform. He’s the size of an armoire for God’s sake! He didn’t just watch…he stared! And when I tried to grab his collar to take him out of the room, he growled like only a 200 pound dog can.

So we canceled our romance plans and went to sleep. Actually my wife went to sleep; I couldn’t sleep because the damn dog kept staring at me. I think he was daring me to try and have sex again.

I wonder what my friend Ryan does with the dog when he’s having sex? It’s got to bother him. Nothing should be staring at you during sex. Not dogs, not a parrot, not a peeping Tom, not a painting, not even your partner. It’s creepy! And a real “pet peeve” for me.

Cuckold Husbands: Evidently They Like to Watch

My wife and I are out with another couple last Saturday night, (we saw the movie, “I Love You Man”. It was a bit slow and disappointing) and they started talking about Cuckolding. WHAT?

It’s always a bit strange to find out something exists that other people know about that you’ve never heard of. Ever eat Pickled Snakehead Fish or take a Scottish Deerhound for a walk? Neither have I. And I’ve never been involved in a relationship that involved cuckoldry.

Cuckold: What a weird word! The term “cuckold” is used to describe a male whose wife takes other partners … and she’s known as a cuckquean.  Cuckold is an old English word, used interchangeably back in medieval times with the word wittol.

Apparently there is a fetish for this stuff and it involves a guy whose female partner has “happy time” with another guy in order to make guy number one feel inadequate while turning him on. And she’s turning him on not through any kind of sexual activity or touching, no…she’s turning him on by letting him find pleasure through her enjoyment…with guy number two.

Confused? Oh yeah. That logic is like my wife eating apple pie with vanilla ice cream and asking me how I liked it. How do cuckold enthusiasts even find each other in the first place? What does their profile look like on a dating site? Maybe something like this:

Thirty-four year old white male. 5’10”, average build. I’m an accountant who likes chess, archery, Guitar Hero, kayaking and being humiliated while watching someone I love hook up with a complete stranger or a neighbor or the pool man or anyone but me.

You learn something new every week.  Sometimes you’re sorry you do!

Three's a Crowd?

I’ve never met one credible person that could convince me they actually participated in a threesome. I can’t even fathom how someone would initiate one. I’m lucky I found one person who finds me attractive enough to get naked with…

I don’t know where I’d look to find someone else. And specifically someone who’s okay with the fact that I’m married and is attracted to my wife too. Now I’ve been with my wife for quite some time and I’m very close to her, I’m pretty sure, but guess what?

I can’t imagine saying, “You know, sex has been just swell for the past fifteen years, but I’d really like to spice things up and bring another woman into bed with us … maybe a petite redhead who’s a couple of years younger than you. What do ya think?”

I’m not sure if she’d start crying, start packing her stuff, or if she’d throw something really sharp at me, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t respond with a smile and a big thumbs up! And even if she did agree to a threesome, how do you pull it off?

It seems to me that having sex with two other people at the same time would be like going on two rides simultaneously at Disneyland. Like Space Mountain and It’s a Small World combined into Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. There’d be way too much going on, way too much to see, and it would probably make me nauseous!

Sexual Innovation by Stick Figures

Sure, there are the standard ones like the missionary position, the side-by-side, and the spoon. I spent some time researching and managed to find the leapfrog, the lap dance, and the Dow Jones.

OK, I made that last one up but I bet it did conjure up an image. There’s the famous book, the Kama Sutra, which illustrates sixty-four different positions. But that thing’s dated, and I’m pretty sure that since it was compiled in the second century, a couple of new positions have popped up.

It would be great if there was something like a general clearing center, kind of like a patent office, where you could send a brief description, drawing and/or photo of your novel position so it could be categorized, labeled, numbered and filed for all posterity.

Or maybe you should be able to do a “Star Registry” type of thing. You’ve heard the ads: For a nominal fee, you can name a star for someone and get a special certificate and photo to give as a gift. Just think what it would be like if you could do that with your own unique position? Now that’s a Valentines’ gift!

Maybe there’s a Kama Sutra, Part Two that I’ve overlooked, or some kind of Pam Anderson pop-up book, or three hundred and sixty five positions for 2009 calendar?

If you know how many sexual positions exist and where to find them, please let me know because I’ve been married for quite some time and could use some new ideas—even though they’d have to work for someone with bad knees and an old shoulder injury.

Baby you can drive my hybrid...

When a woman sees a guy drive up in a hybrid does it make her hot and bothered? Instead of tattoos and piercings, do women now get turned on by guys who recycle and carry reusable tote bags to the supermarket?

After all, a guy who cares about the environment may signal to a woman that he’s sweet, caring and concerned about others. And that may lead a woman to believe that he’ll listen to her problems, support her when she’s down and be a sensitive lover.

My friend Neal who drives a hybrid has a lot of sex with a lot of women who are impressed with the fact that he drives an unassuming car instead of a Porsche or Aston Martin. His Prius says to women that he’s not into impressing anyone.

What they don’t know is that Neal drives a hybrid because he’s CHEAP!

Anything that he does that just happens to be green is because he’s CHEAP! But the women who fall for his “save the world” image don’t know that. So I’m guessing a lot of guys who don’t like to part with a buck are in luck today because now they’re able to get a woman naked based on “An Inconvenient Truth”, even if they were too cheap to see the damn movie!

Wow. Guess He'll Be Keeping The Dentures in Tonight.

Cougars, MILFs, Sugar Daddies, Demi and Ashton, Woody Allen and Soon Yi, Fred Thompson and Jeri Kehn, Madonna and…whoever. Is dating or marrying someone way younger or older happening more these days because no one looks their actual age-with their dyed hair, boob implants, botox, lipo and face lifts? Or is it about financial security?

My parents were both around the same age, and so were my grandparents and their parents. Now a ten-to–fifteen year difference between partners is common, and a twenty-to-thirty-year gap barely raises an eyebrow, especially when the much older guy owns a Bentley.

One well-known titan of business is more than forty-five years older than his wife! That means she was being pushed out of her mommy around the same time he was getting ready to have his first heart attack. What could they possibly have to talk about? They have absolutely no cultural references in common. She doesn’t know any Beatles songs and he has no idea who Justin Timberlake is. At eighty-something he may not even be fully aware who he is. And the sex has got to be just…unwatchable!

I cannot for a minute picture my grandfather, his pants pulled up to just under his armpits, with anyone other than my grandmother … let alone a thirty-year-old hottie forced to spend her day loudly discussing his pocket knife collection and his circulation problems.

She probably has to watch him clear his throat into his handkerchief, cut his food into tiny, bite-size pieces and watch him eat dinner till he nods off sitting up at the table, then wake him up around 7 p.m. so she can help him upstairs to bed. I’m guessing it’s a bit more exciting at Woody Allen’s place…but maybe not.