Sure, threesomes exist in movies and in letters to Playboy, but do they really happen to regular folk? I don’t think so.

Three's a Crowd?

I’ve never met one credible person that could convince me they actually participated in a threesome. I can’t even fathom how someone would initiate one. I’m lucky I found one person who finds me attractive enough to get naked with…

I don’t know where I’d look to find someone else. And specifically someone who’s okay with the fact that I’m married and is attracted to my wife too. Now I’ve been with my wife for quite some time and I’m very close to her, I’m pretty sure, but guess what?

I can’t imagine saying, “You know, sex has been just swell for the past fifteen years, but I’d really like to spice things up and bring another woman into bed with us … maybe a petite redhead who’s a couple of years younger than you. What do ya think?”

I’m not sure if she’d start crying, start packing her stuff, or if she’d throw something really sharp at me, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t respond with a smile and a big thumbs up! And even if she did agree to a threesome, how do you pull it off?

It seems to me that having sex with two other people at the same time would be like going on two rides simultaneously at Disneyland. Like Space Mountain and It’s a Small World combined into Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. There’d be way too much going on, way too much to see, and it would probably make me nauseous!

Does anybody know exactly how many different sexual positions there are?

Sexual Innovation by Stick Figures

Sure, there are the standard ones like the missionary position, the side-by-side, and the spoon. I spent some time researching and managed to find the leapfrog, the lap dance, and the Dow Jones.

OK, I made that last one up but I bet it did conjure up an image. There’s the famous book, the Kama Sutra, which illustrates sixty-four different positions. But that thing’s dated, and I’m pretty sure that since it was compiled in the second century, a couple of new positions have popped up.

It would be great if there was something like a general clearing center, kind of like a patent office, where you could send a brief description, drawing and/or photo of your novel position so it could be categorized, labeled, numbered and filed for all posterity.

Or maybe you should be able to do a “Star Registry” type of thing. You’ve heard the ads: For a nominal fee, you can name a star for someone and get a special certificate and photo to give as a gift. Just think what it would be like if you could do that with your own unique position? Now that’s a Valentines’ gift!

Maybe there’s a Kama Sutra, Part Two that I’ve overlooked, or some kind of Pam Anderson pop-up book, or three hundred and sixty five positions for 2009 calendar?

If you know how many sexual positions exist and where to find them, please let me know because I’ve been married for quite some time and could use some new ideas—even though they’d have to work for someone with bad knees and an old shoulder injury.