Chick Flick

As a married man, I find myself rather distant from all the little nuisances that come with dating. I’m not saying I’m completely exempt from all hassling matters just because I’m married… however, once married, you make compromises and form agreements that eliminate irritating scenarios a la the following:

(8) “Do you think I’m fat?/Do I look fat?” – I hate when women ask this. They either a) already know the answer, or b) are trying to Jedi-mind-trick you into saying something stupid. I hate this question. This is like me asking her, “hey, is my penis big?” What are they supposed to say? …Exactly.

(7) The uncanny discussion of bowel movements – This is only funny when men say it amongst other men. Thinking about girls and bowel movements is disturbing and troubling. I like to believe that I live in a world where girls don’t fart… it just doesn’t happen.

(6) She owns a truck — Alright. This isn’t exactly the worst-case scenario that can occur. However, when said truck is a pickup truck… this changes everything. I don’t want her to be first in line to offer help on moving day.

(5) Hock a loogie – I don’t find this to be impressive or attractive in a woman. This is rarely acceptable when men do this—you can see why I may be so disgruntled by a lady-loogie.

(4) Do not recommend that I read the new Oprah’s book club book – If she wants to recommend it, I’d prefer if she left the word “Oprah” out if it. Ignorance is bliss.

(3) Tricking unsuspecting men into seeing chick flicks – Perhaps this one is our fault. We should probably be more aware of the coming attractions that the ladies will be attending relatively soon— merely in avoidance of being victim to such an ambush. How was I supposed to know that something with a title like The Ugly Truth would turn out to be heartwarming? I could not foresee such a trap.

(2) When they say something, but really mean something else – this is simply confusing, frustrating, and uncalled for. If she doesn’t want to eat at a particular restaurant, but relays that message through the words, “I can’t wait to eat there… I wonder if they have fettuccine?” …while she knows very well that it is a barbeque pit, is simply passive aggressive. I detest such statements.

(1) Mixing up team names amongst sports – I admit—it’s a petty complaint, but if I’m not calling “Nordstrom,” “Ross,” then she shouldn’t be calling “The Saints,” “the Celtics.”

Octomom: Kind of a Turn On?

I told him that’s disgusting and the only reason he finds the bulbous-lipped “baby factory” appealing is because for the moment, she’s famous. The woman is getting her own reality show. Wait till  Kevin sees the magic happening in the Suleman house.

The woman has pushed out 15 screaming, pooping, crying kids and he finds her sexy!

She’s not sexy … she’s insane, disordered, demented, off, loony, bananas, cuckoo, mad, unbalanced, touched, bonkers, wrong, sane adjacent, brainsick, daft!

I try not to sit with Kevin at lunch any more.

How Does Pat Morita Figure Into All This?

I’m not talking about an odd, fetish sort of thing …  like asking for a good hearty beating with a mackerel by someone completely wrapped in tinfoil.  No, I’m talking about something that I saw that got me aroused but shouldn’t have — or at least I never anticipated that it would.  Usually, it’s the sight of a bit more leg than usual on someone I find attractive or even mildly attractive.

Today … I got turned on by a Bonsai tree!

That’s right, one of those expensive miniature Japanese trees that are grown in containers and that dry out real easily and die.  So how did a miniature tree get me stimulated?  Here’s the only way I could figure it out. I saw this diminutive woody plant and it reminded me of “The Karate Kid”, staring Pat Morita as Mr. Miyagi. But do you remember who else was in that movie? Elisabeth Shue.  She was the cute girl next door and Ralph Macchio’s love interest.

Here’s where it gets interesting…  It takes me back to college, my freshman year and my girlfriend who happened to look just like Elisabeth Shue. We always ate at this little Japanese place in LA that was usually a precursor to nights of…  Well, I guess you know what I am getting at. So that stunted little tree on a coworker’s desk got me momentarily hot and bothered.

What turned you on today?  Leave a comment and let me know.