This past August David Duchovny checked into sex rehab and asked us to please respect his privacy. I promised myself I would but then I remembered that Halle Berry’s guy Eric Benet checked himself into sex rehab and years ago actor Michael Douglas denied ever having been to one.

Hard for Duchovny to keep closed...

So I started obsessing about sex rehab. What makes someone check in and where do you even find one? Do you check in because you’re not having hardly any sex or because you’re having way too much sex? And go ahead; try telling me I’m having too much sex…that would make for an interesting intervention with the parents.

And once you’re in sex rehab, do they have sessions that deal with masturbation and phone sex and cyber sex and pornography? Do they get you aroused and then zap you with a cattle prod to teach you to keep your “shtumper” in check? Is sex rehab part of a more conventional rehab with alcohol and drug abusers or is sex rehab just purely for sex addicts?

And if that’s the case and someone falls off the wagon couldn’t that have a domino effect and lead to a full blown orgy? And how exactly did David choose the sex rehab he checked into? Do sex rehabs advertise in magazines like Playboy, Maxim, FHM, Hustler and Smooth? (Yes, there is actually a men’s magazine called Smooth.)

If you run into David Duchovny, could you please ask him what the hell sex rehab is and what they do there? I can’t because I promised I would respect his privacy.

So what should I do?

I’ve been married to the same woman for almost 15 years and the other night while we were making love, she tried something totally new. She did this thing…kind of a new position, her hands were … well let’s just say it felt good but … why now?

I'm still not even sure what happened.

So what did I do? I’ll tell you what I did. I got distracted. I started thinking, where did she learn that and when? Was it something she always wanted to try but kept forgetting? Was it something she saw recently in a movie and if so… what movie and where was I?

Or was it something she used to do with Leonard, the loser she dated before me and now she’s started fantasizing about him so she’s doing “it” to me! Or maybe a girlfriend of hers told her about it. Maybe it was Susan the redhead with the big, fake cupcakes. She looks like the type who would do it to her husband, and her husband Bob looks like he would like having it done to him.

Not that I didn’t like it, I just wasn’t expecting it. Not from my wife anyway. We have a pattern, an order to our romantic get-togethers that’s been established over a period of time. I think lots of couples do. It’s comfortable and relaxed and reliable… and one partner shouldn’t just decide to throw something new into the mix without consulting the other partner. I’d like to be prepared if  something new is going to happen during sex, especially when it’s with someone who hasn’t done anything new to me since the early part of Clinton’s first term.

Maybe we could discuss it beforehand, in detail. Its origins, how it will be performed, what the expected response should be. That’s not a lot to ask, right?