Does anybody know exactly how many different sexual positions there are?

Sexual Innovation by Stick Figures

Sure, there are the standard ones like the missionary position, the side-by-side, and the spoon. I spent some time researching and managed to find the leapfrog, the lap dance, and the Dow Jones.

OK, I made that last one up but I bet it did conjure up an image. There’s the famous book, the Kama Sutra, which illustrates sixty-four different positions. But that thing’s dated, and I’m pretty sure that since it was compiled in the second century, a couple of new positions have popped up.

It would be great if there was something like a general clearing center, kind of like a patent office, where you could send a brief description, drawing and/or photo of your novel position so it could be categorized, labeled, numbered and filed for all posterity.

Or maybe you should be able to do a “Star Registry” type of thing. You’ve heard the ads: For a nominal fee, you can name a star for someone and get a special certificate and photo to give as a gift. Just think what it would be like if you could do that with your own unique position? Now that’s a Valentines’ gift!

Maybe there’s a Kama Sutra, Part Two that I’ve overlooked, or some kind of Pam Anderson pop-up book, or three hundred and sixty five positions for 2009 calendar?

If you know how many sexual positions exist and where to find them, please let me know because I’ve been married for quite some time and could use some new ideas—even though they’d have to work for someone with bad knees and an old shoulder injury.

So what should I do?

I’ve been married to the same woman for almost 15 years and the other night while we were making love, she tried something totally new. She did this thing…kind of a new position, her hands were … well let’s just say it felt good but … why now?

I'm still not even sure what happened.

So what did I do? I’ll tell you what I did. I got distracted. I started thinking, where did she learn that and when? Was it something she always wanted to try but kept forgetting? Was it something she saw recently in a movie and if so… what movie and where was I?

Or was it something she used to do with Leonard, the loser she dated before me and now she’s started fantasizing about him so she’s doing “it” to me! Or maybe a girlfriend of hers told her about it. Maybe it was Susan the redhead with the big, fake cupcakes. She looks like the type who would do it to her husband, and her husband Bob looks like he would like having it done to him.

Not that I didn’t like it, I just wasn’t expecting it. Not from my wife anyway. We have a pattern, an order to our romantic get-togethers that’s been established over a period of time. I think lots of couples do. It’s comfortable and relaxed and reliable… and one partner shouldn’t just decide to throw something new into the mix without consulting the other partner. I’d like to be prepared if  something new is going to happen during sex, especially when it’s with someone who hasn’t done anything new to me since the early part of Clinton’s first term.

Maybe we could discuss it beforehand, in detail. Its origins, how it will be performed, what the expected response should be. That’s not a lot to ask, right?